How are you ladies doing?
[Ed: OK, before you start wondering if I have gone off my gourd, reviewing Red Lobster, you must know that this is not a review of Red Lobster. At least, not the food. For the record, I only went there to appease The Woman, who was suffering from a shrimp-vitamin deficiency and decided the most cost-effective way to address it was the "all the shrimp we can shovel out of the back of our truck prepared in 6 different ways for a dollar two ninety-eight" special. And, as might be expected, most of the options were at best regrettable. Now that we have that out of the way . . . ]
Back when I got my hair cut every other year, I got used to the occasional "ma'am" on the off years when addressed from behind. (Nobody made that mistake from the front, so I guess I should count my blessings.) Particularly in Texas, where those with a penchant for long hair tend to combine knee-length beards with waist-length pony tails. (Cause everybody's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man!) But then I got a real job and started cutting my hair every 3 or 4 months and those days were behind me. Or so I thought.
So imagine my surprise when I was sitting with The Woman at Red Lobster the other night and the waitress comes up saying, "How are you ladies tonight?" as she rounds the corner. OK, perhaps I should have worn a less flamboyant aloha shirt and, yes, the locks were getting a bit knappy, but is it really a foregone conclusion that when you see something like this from behind, you know it will be a lady? Hmmm? Wouldn't you actually get a look before you started talking? You might, but she didn't.
So you can imagine her shock when she did round the corner and saw my rustic mug staring at her with a less-than-amused expression. She did some serious backpedalling that would have moved even Ray Blackston to comment. I didn't go to great pains to relieve her discomfort, if you must know. I was hoping to get a free appetizer or some such by way of apology, but it is a chain after all. I became even less amused when the other girl came along (It seems that you have to have one person to take the order and refill your glasses and another person entirely to bring your actual food, which means that the food bearer has no idea who gets which dish and more often than not hands the wrong thing to you.) and as she rounds the corner says, "Here you go, ladies." I kid you not. Two for two. And not even a free dessert.
Let this be a lesson to you. Don't eat at chains! And avoid loud shirts if you're overdue for your shearing.